Those Trumpy-Foxey People in Your Life

A friend suggested that I should publish a piece about how to deal with people around us who are all Trump, all the time. The ones who watch Fox News, and therefore loaded for argument on the basis of disinformation. The Christians who say the Bible, speaking of the Persian king Cyrus, was somehow talking about Trump.

How do you respond effectively to those people?

I do not know. I don’t know anyone who knows. Simple as that.

I do know stories from friends who have lost or broken contact with family members and friends they really care about. Documentaries have been made about the pain of losing a loved one through Fox News. Serious journalists have covered the phenomenon. Folks have chronicled the reports. And people have tried to answer the question: Can Fox News watchers, can Trumpers, come back? 

Wait. I do know the answer, It’s in Proverbs.

Do not answer fools according to their folly,
    or you will be a fool yourself.
Answer fools according to their folly,
    or they will be wise in their own eyes. (26:4-5, NRSV)

Proverbs may be my least favorite book of the Bible. Well, there’s 2 Peter.  But I tend not to think of Proverbs because it offers so many formulaic answers: “Do the right thing, and you’ll prosper. Do the wrong thing, and you’ll come to grief.”

Not so here. Verse 4 and verse 5 directly contradict one another. That’s not an accident. True wisdom doesn’t always follow set rules. True wisdom requires discernment: in some contexts, speak up; in other contexts, let it go.

In other words, we may find freedom in knowing there’s no simple formula.

I welcome any wisdom someone wants to share. For the time being, these are some thoughts I have based on zero expertise whatsoever. I generally fail.

1. Rational argumentation has little chance of changing the dynamics. Let’s face it. It’s hard for us to change our minds quickly: why would we expect it to work differently for others? Remember, the person who watches several hours of Fox per day is receiving deep scripts. They can’t say, “protestors,” they have to say “rioters.” Taxes are socialism. Only their sources of information can be trusted. 

2. It’s okay to say, “I’ve looked into this, and I disagree with you.” Or, “That doesn’t make any sense to me.” And just move on. You may feel like the person you’re engaging is diminishing your integrity with their “Obama spied on Trump” bullshit. You can speak up for yourself without getting sucked in.

3. Be attuned to anger. Notice how Trumpism and Fox trade in anger. Watch 10 minutes of Fox News, and you’ll see how much of their energy is devoted to stoking outrage, fear, and resentment. I’ve noticed people I genuinely like, once the conversation moves to social issues, slide quickly into anger. Social psychologists have researched how conservative and liberal minds work: watch out for disgust. And if someone insults you, you have every right to stand up for yourself. In fact, you should. But ask yourself if fighting is the way?

4. Be attuned to yourself. When someone is directing anger at us, the fight/flight response kicks in. I’m not saying it’s never good to be angry. I am saying it’s often unhelpful. If you can disengage, disengage.

4b. I don’t know why Trumpy-Foxey people sometimes can’t let go of talking politics. It’s like a compulsion. Sometimes you can’t disengage. I’ve had several conversations where I’ve said, “I really don’t want to keep talking about this,” and the person just insisted. I’ve been insulted. 

5. Ask yourself what’s at stake. Do I need to remain present in this conversation? Is there someone here who needs my support? What’s the broader context? Is injustice happening in this very moment? Do I need to name the racism, homophobia, you name it?

It’s very painful to care about someone whose core values offend us. And it’s very, very hard to be our best selves. We have responsibility in those moments. Rarely is it helpful to have the argument.